Wow! Just wow! I can't imagine the paid you had to deal with. I would never tell you to let your mother back into your life, because you made the right decision to keep her out of it, as far as I'm concerned. I will however suggest that you ask God to help you forgive her. I don't know who said, "Not forgiving someone that hurt you is like taking poison and hoping that they will die." I'm praying that you can give all of that pain to God so that you can move past the trauma and pain. You mentioned that your mother didn't have the best childhood either. Hurting people, hurt people. It sounds like she's a bit of a mess. I'll be praying for you both. Nothing makes me angrier than a parent insisting that an assault on thier child never happened. I'm praying for your mother even though I'd like to slap her. Without Jesus as my guide, that would not be possible. Throwing away your story is just as disgusting. I threw away my own journals becasue I thought it would help to move past my trauma and I'm still kicking myself for it. Keep writing and flushing out the pain. You are more beautiful and stronger than you may ever know. God bless you