As I continued to read this, I wondered if you knew Jesus. You kept mentioning God with a capital G and not Christ. I don’t know if you ever came into a relationship with Him, but for me it makes all of the difference. Sadly, many people turn away from God and the church because of people who don’t really know Jesus whose judgmental attitudes or hypocrisy turn them away. I pray you haven’t turned your back on Christ. Once you really know Him you can’t live without Him. I walked away for quite a while and did things my way. I too was a perfectionist. I had no father. It leaves a hole in you when you don’t know a father’s love. Jesus filled that hole and when I rededicated my life to Him it changed everything for the better. Thanks for sharing your heart.